the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?