Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.