*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT