I would like even faster food.
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Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”