16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
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Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: