Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
at ease…shoulder.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.