At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
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Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
We’ve all been there
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island