When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
lmfao come on
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.