me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.