I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I’m being attacked 😭
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence