Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I’m about to risk it all
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.