Feel. He’s so soft.
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Growing out my freckles.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead