FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[at the general store]
me: one general please
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!