Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
You Might Also Like
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them