I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
waiting for halloween be like:
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”