Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed