1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE