If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am