When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
From my Mom
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭