The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
This makes total sense…
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.