[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
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Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
OMG 🤣🤣
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.