There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.