Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
is this a threat
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies