[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone