Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.