Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
You Might Also Like
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.