I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow