Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot