*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?