Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
You Might Also Like
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.