Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
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[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this