Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost