It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
You Might Also Like
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order