Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
choose your gary
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home