*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
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Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.