I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
😂😂
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze