If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
the three branches of government
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster