I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
You Might Also Like
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR