Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
everyone has that one prude friend
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My boss called in sick of me
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?