[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Camping tip: No.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs