I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
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*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?