My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway