never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket