Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
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My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”