My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.