The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection