Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No