i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈