thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
This makes total sense…
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Guilty! 🤪
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
What is going on? 😅
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”