One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
*puts cutlery down*
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
When they try to steal your moment.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.